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When You Feel Stuck in a Relationship

When You Feel Stuck in a Relationship


This is for those among us who are, secretly,
very stuck – that is, who are entirely committed to staying, wholly tempted to leave – and
entirely unable to resolve their dilemma one way or the other. We, the stuck ones, alternate
between periods in which we manage to convince ourselves that it might after all be bearable
and recurring crises when we acknowledge that we are – by remaining – well on the way
to ruining the one life we will ever be granted. Torn between intense shame and untenable claustrophobia,
weak in the face of our conundrum, we may start to fantasise that someone or something
else – a parent, the government, a war, an illness, a divine command – might magically
resolve the problem for us; like desperate children, we hope against hope that something
might just show up. But because it behoves everyone eventually
– and with nothing remotely unkind being meant by this – to try to become an adult,
that is a person who can alter their circumstances through their own agency, we may well benefit
from a few ideas to strengthen our resolve: 1. For a start, we are here not because we
are evil, fickle or just unlucky, but – at base – because we had a bad childhood. This
could sound like an odd place to begin and the tone may sound overly assured as well
but the matter does appear desperately simple in structure, however impossible the repercussions
can feel in practice. Anyone on earth can end up in an unhappy relationship. But those
who get badly stuck in them, those who cannot find the courage to have a difficult conversation
and move on, those who spend years feeling intensely ashamed of what they want and doubting
their right to aim for anything more satisfying, these creatures are a particular subcategory
of humans: they are the ones who, when they were little, never learnt the art of confident
self-assertion, they are the benighted creatures who never felt they had a right – at points
– to tell others what they needed and to stick up for their vision of contentment whatever
the short term troubles that might be entailed. We, the stuck ones, were the good children,
the under-loved ones, the ones who were scared of angry parents or overly anxious about fragile
ones, those who too early on learnt to comply and obey, to worry about everyone else, to
fit in and to smile – and now, decades later, the ones who cannot get up and leave because
we would, at some level, and let’s be clear on the matter, rather than die than make a
fuss. 2. But however appealling that can sound,
the problem is that there’s a small part of us that won’t actually let us die like
this, that’s why we’re here, a part of us that – awkwardly – refuses to shut
up and be stifled, a healthy part of us that won’t let us continue without the kind of
love, intimacy and closeness we crave, a part of us that is like a germinating seed with
strength enough to move aside a one tone concrete slab in order to reach the light.
3. We endlessly question the legitimacy of our aspirations. Is it fair to want what we
want? Is it normal to seek whatever it is that’s currently missing: more love, more
intellectual stimulation, more friendship, more sex, more solemnity, more laughs? We
would, in a way, so love someone to tell us that we were plainly wrong. But the reality
is that there can never be an objective measure in these matters. We want what we want and
no amount of arguing with ourselves can make our appetites go away or fundamentally delegitimize
our needs. The way forward isn’t to call ourselves difficult and shut up – but to
learn to honour and adroitly defend in front of others our own inner complexity. However
insane this will inevitably sound, anyone is allowed to find someone else’s offer
of love to be – in the end – not their thing.
4. We are, along the way, naturally, terrified of being alone. In our minds, by exiting this
relationship, we won’t be setting up a promise of a better arrangement in the future. We’ll
be condemning ourselves to a lifetime of isolation. It’s a feeling of basic unworthiness and
fundamental unattractiveness that turns the prospect of singlehood from what it really
is, a minor inconvenience, to what we are sure it must be: an ongoing and eternal tragedy.
We should, to calm ourselves, remember a rather dark but ultimately consoling truth. Though
we may at present have someone to share a pizza with on Sunday evenings, we are, where
it counts, already alone. What we fear might happen has already happened. We won’t, by
leaving, be aggravating our isolation, we’ll be taking the first proper steps towards ending
it. 5. Stuck people are agonised to the point
of paralysis by the prospect of causing difficulties; they possibly already have a lot of hesitation
about asking strangers where the bathroom is. So now they worry whether the partner
would ever recover, what friends would say, how the family would deal with it… The last
thing that occurs to them is how much, in the end, everyone copes. The frightening yet
liberating truth is how little anyone actually cares. Even the hurt lover will recover – and
come to appreciate the benefits of freedom as opposed to enduring a constant unmentioned
emotional tourniquet around their heart. An orderly life is a beautiful and fine thing,
but it can only ever be so when it sits on top of a flourishing relationship, rather
than when it is fostered as an alternative to developing one. Better to blow up a home
than continue in one unworthy of the name. The way to start getting unstuck is via a
properly strange-sounding move: valuing ourselves a little more. Slowly, we must accept that
the point of a relationship isn’t to suffer; that some things are necessary but fewer than
we think – and that no one will congratulate us on our death beds for having thrown away
our lives. We are not suffering because we need to, but because we have grown up to be
people for whom suffering feels horribly and compellingly familiar. We need to take the
entirely unknown step of telling the world what we truly, truly want – and dare to
believe that we might even one day get it. Our know yourself cards can help us to better understand the deepest most elusive aspects of ourselves. Follow the link now to learn more.

Comments (100)

  1. Yall need to go break up those relationships.

  2. I finally just got out of a 7 month long relationship and these videos are really helpful (also i love the art styles a lot 🙂

  3. This was made for me .

  4. This is very good and all. But what do you do when there is children involved? I have felt like this for quite a while but I have a step-daughter of 7 years old and a little one only 15 months old. Should you just leave because YOU need to realize that YOU can have what YOU want?? I believe there is a sense of maturing and growing up to be the father of the family that needs to be assessed. My girlfriend and mother of my daughter loves me like I have never been loved before. Our family is healthy when you look at it through an objective lens. The ONLY thing wrong in the picture is that I feel stuck. It's all on me. I'm the one to blame if I leave everything to try and find myself somewhere else. I have to believe it is possible to get rid of this "stuckness" even if it sometimes feels like "I'm just not that into her anymore/her love is just not my thing anymore". It simply seems too immature to leave because of a statement like that. I have to look at the possibilities of family life, not the limitations. If every time we feel stuck we just let go and leave …. Well, I don't really know if that will make us grow in the long run???
    don't know.. Seeing my therapist later. Will bring this up. What is love?? Is it to outstay the feelings of being stuck, of wasting ones life, refusing to settle? Or is it rather to chase the highs of reinvention of the self within the eyes of a new love?
    Guess everyone will just advice me to "find out what I want with my life". Geee, like that's an easy, non-anxiety inducing question to ask yourself when you have two loving kids and a girlfriend who just wants you to grow and succeed and you still feel like something is wrong. Fuck.

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  6. This crap sometimes give shit advice.
    For this sick world. Beeing good is not usefull

  7. Super fucking crazy just got dumped about 4 days ago , I’m handling it okay . Just keep questioning was it me ? Was I not what she wanted , which is crazy cause she’s had a crush on me FOREVER.

  8. I think the way to be unstuck in a relationship is Not always to leave. I think the answer is to find what your deeper needs are (Connection, understanding, space to be yourself, trust)
    And come up for them. You have to communicate and work on the relationship on an adult level to be able to fix it together with your partner.
    The unstuck people dont know how to come up for their real needs and communicate this.

  9. Everyone here in the comments is saying how they feel sorry for themselves for being this person. I was in a relationship someone like this and you know what, fuck you. You're not just ruining your life you are also ruining someone else's. Waiting for your time to feel well enough to leave. Nothing but extremely selfish people using others to get better.

  10. That probably just changed my life

  11. Great video and advice!

  12. So I was on the opposite side of a relationship like this. I loved this girl so much but she began to feel stuck. I felt it and I knew, but it's hard to know what to do when the person you love the most feels.. stuck with you. For a while I just hoped perhaps it would just get better. Selfish of me maybe but I just couldnt bear the thought of the end. Eventually it got to a point where I longer felt loved anymore in the relationship, yet still she wouldnt talk to me. I tried everything to try and get her to open up to me. But you cant get someone to speak unless they wish to. To this day I still wish I could have just had a conversation with her. For her to just tell me what was on her mind. Ultimately the relationship sort of crashed and burned in a painful bittersweet way

  13. Where you can strengthen your theoretical knowledge and practice your reflexes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzAY9URRQsM&t=27s

  14. It concerns me that I feel stuck in a relationship with one of the most kind and courteous women I have ever known. Even my mother loves her. And yet here I sit trying to figure out when I am doing wrong. At the core of it I simply don't find her sexually attractive anymore… but can it really be that simple? Why can't I get over something like that? For the past year I had come to the conclusion that my libido was disappearing but for the past 2 weeks now it's hit me like a train that I just don't find her attractive. It's like watching the color run out of my favorite painting; like a Monet without the oil.

  15. How can I hear the cartoons even though they are silent

  16. this video genuinely hurt to watch because I felt every last thing that was said…

  17. I just ended a relationship a few days ago. What made us feel stuck was that she was quite sure she wanted kids in the future and I am just, at best, completely unsure. The question draws an absolute blank in my mind and I don't see how to resolve it. This had been a recurring issue for a year of a two year relationship and started to weigh heavier as time went on. The more we invested into the relationship, the more pressure there felt to know if our futures would align. I'm sure there are arguments for why you should stick it out in a relationship and just see how things go in the future or maybe just 'suck it up' and have kids and maybe adapt to the change. But my brain finds it very difficult to consider that as an option, and so the thought became a bit of a torment. It was extremely difficult to consider breaking up as the solution since there was really nothing wrong with the relationship. We both love each other and are quite compatible. But the kids issue just didn't allow for natural flourishing.

    The day of breaking up was extremely hard and we both felt very strongly that we didn't want it to happen. But that was probably the emotions of missing each other and not wanting to be apart. In contrast to that, we both expressed relief. She could now enact change in her life that she had been holding back on because of the uncertainty around children. She could plan holidays and family events without worrying whether I was going to come and have that underlying pressure that attending a family christmas means we have long-term plans together. Kind of minor things, but they really do build up.

    I will miss her and I really hope that one day I'll be clear on the kids issue and maybe one day reconnect. But for now I know that is best for both of us despite it feeling hard and feeling like we are giving up. Those emotions will pass and we will get on with our lives with good memories of each other.

    THANKS FOR LISTENING

  18. It's tough at the beginning but then,………; LIBERATION! YOU CAN DO IT!!!

  19. That exactly is my childhood. Since I was a kid, I never ask for anything for my parents since the answer has always been NO. I cannot ask for new school uniform or shoes or even cheap snacks. I was trained not to ask. When I turned 18, I dropped out of college because I was tired of receiving a woefully meager allowance from my grandma (my parents cannot support me).

    Now, I am stuck in a relationship I cannot easily end. He does not support my dreams and even tried to look for someone else when we were apart for a month. I am gathering the courage to end this soon but I don't want any regret. I know he loves me but I should give value to myself first.

  20. You help a lot guy. Keep doin’it

  21. This video is about me….oof they calling me out on everything. Thanks for the wake up.

  22. This is in a way horrible advice! Getting out of an unhappy relationship doesn't solve your problems. When you start a new 1 the process will repeat bc in this video the unhappy person is their own problem. You need self development, you need to work on yourself. The Male even asked if she's ok but she lied, how can he know or help if he's left clueless?

  23. This hits the jackpot so hard, oh my god

  24. Please Give the option of Hindi caption also on all the viedos😇

  25. Thank you for reassuring me in that what i want and need is important! <3

  26. Relationships that are filled with pain and challenges are not always bad and to be left by the curb. My current relationship has been the most challenging, painful and frustrating one to date, but also the most rewarding, self reflecting and spiritually enlightening journey yet. My current partner has seen my ugliness through my pain and insecurities of an abandoned and sad childhood. He has challenges my inner horrible hurt child who tries to rebel against everyone who gets close to me. Yes I want to love and be loved but getting close in a relationship level allows them to see the damaged side of you. All my life I drove relationships away with my insecurities, jealousy, anger, selfishness and my MAJOR fear of abandonment because no man could deal with my issues and yet this one fought me back, shone a light on my darkness and showed me my ugliness. After all this he still loves and cherishes me and for that I am eternally grateful. He is the love I always wanted. He not only showed me my ugliness, he made me love myself enough to banish that part of me. Know whether that person is genuinely good for you and see your flaws for what they are. Don’t always run from a challenging relationship that makes you cry, cause sometimes those tears are tears of self salvation.

  27. my god you are so true … ifeel helpless and stuck with my wife .. i have been dealing this for years now … my wife is very dominating and wount let e go … i am very little by little i am diying inside

  28. What should I do, I feel exactly like this but in marriage + 2 children 🙁 Im so sad…

  29. Oh gosh this hit home!

  30. I watch this weekly and just can't do it. 5 years later and here I am, stuck.

  31. Just a great video!

  32. You really hit the spot. I wasted my life trying hard to make every one happy.

  33. "She bothered no one"

  34. I got drunk and broke up with my boyfriend a few hours ago, this video was on my mind the whole time

  35. Idk how to feel at all I’m confusion

  36. I’ve been stuck in a bad relationship for 5 years and this really hit home for me. Thank you school of life

  37. I’ve been stuck in a bad relationship for 5 years and this really hit home for me. Thank you school of life

  38. Thank you for all the Life Lessons. I'm your number 1 fan and these videos help a lot. Forever grateful.

  39. Are those you're own stop motion figurines??

  40. so, we've all had bad childhoods?

  41. this video knows me so well it even knows that I shared pizza with my dysfunctional lover on this Sunday evening.

  42. I love and I learn a lot in your videos. Thanks !

  43. What to think of calling someone a 'minor inconvenience'?
    Where to draw the line between 'feeling stuck' and 'just needing to put a bit more work into the relationship'?
    Wherefrom this idea that a life with a difficult relationship is a failed life?

    There are (probably) as much examples to be found about arranged marriages where the couple LEARNED to live with and even love eachother as about those who didn't.

  44. School of Life: In every video he must involv Childhood.😂

  45. Im not terrified of being alone, Im terrified of being paired with the wrong person.Like my parents.Better off alone than that

  46. How do we know we can trust our feelings of wanting to leave the relationship? How do we know it’s not just fear?

  47. this animation is giving me “don’t hug me i’m scared vibes” and i hate it

  48. Oh look, it’s an accurate description of my year, but I managed to unstick myself yesterday

  49. That's me. Thanks for explaining it in such a good way.

  50. This is truly and I mean truly one of the best channels on YouTube…these words ring home so much it hurts too hear..

  51. Masturbation for the mind.

  52. Damn. I never expected to get attacked so personally.
    Never have I be so offended by something I 100% agree with

  53. It is like you made this video just for me. If you do nothing else know that you have changed my life with this one simple video. Thank you forever💋

  54. Sometimes it is not this simple

  55. Nope. Great childhood, was a big mouth as well, and yet I'm a victim of the phenomenon "being stuck"

  56. There's always some wisdom that counters some other wisdom. Like 'It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' which just counters this video. It's all trust-circle jerkoff bullshit. Oh yeah, and you need to ante up 50% of all of the assets you've ever accumulated your entire life, just to attempt a relationship with someone who can call it quits the second they meet their defacto status. Classy.

  57. Do different people consider different things a relationship? I hear sometimes that we were dating from a guy I didn't have a single date with, never kissed and never had intimate physical relationship. From his point of view we used to date while I was in relationship and my feelings were purely platonic and then broke up. It always sounded very strange to me. I even said I don't have romantic feelings towards you, but he kept insisting I said I love him.

  58. The problem is how society, movies and TV shows brainwash us into believing that anyone who acknowledges our existence by just saying hi is the person we should spend the rest of our lives with.
    Many people, including myself, grew up having really messed up romanticized ideas of what relationships should be like and feel bad because we can't live up to these expectations.

  59. Why does every video on this channel never relate to me, yet I still binge?

  60. 2:04–2:52 is a bullseye

  61. All I gotta say is. Felt that

  62. I'm leaving a bad relationship as I write this: moving pod coming tomorrow, plane ticket booked… I needed to see this so badly… Thank you 🙂

  63. I feel stuck to my job. A job I hate with an asshole of a boss who dares to call you up to work while you're off to a funeral and when you tell him you can't, he will threaten to fire you because you didn't talk with him about even though you did, but he forgot it.

  64. gonna break up with my bf now lol

  65. Liked for that little dump him animation

  66. I love being alone too much and enjoy single life.

  67. This is a random comment but……….

    Start " School":
    Preschool: Age 3-4

    Elementary School:
    Kindergarten: Age 5-6
    1st Grade: Age 6-7
    2nd Grade: Age 7-8
    3rd Grade: Age 8-9
    4th Grade: Age 9-10
    5th Grade: Age 10-11

    Middle School:
    6th Grade: Age 11-12
    7th Grade: Age 12-13
    8th Grade: Age 13-14

    High School:
    Freshman: Age 14-15
    Sophomore: Age 15-16
    Junior: Age 16-17
    Senior: Age 17-18

    College:
    1st Year: Age 18-19
    2nd Year: Age 19-20
    3rd Year: Age 20-21
    4th Year: Age 21-22
    Graduation!

  68. I hate the fact that you described my situation so accurately….

  69. I got goosebumps at 02:50

    Earlier today I was in a bad place and was having complicated thoughts about my relationship. I thought about dying so I don’t have to deal with it.

  70. I knew I didn't love him anymore but I married him anyway. I was scared of ruining his life and disappointing family and friends. Everyone convinced me that things would get better, but it hasn't. I am even more stuck now. I wish I didn't doubt myself and needs when I still had the chance.

  71. Better alone than in bad company

  72. Well a good open communication is all we need in order to have a good healthy and long lasting relationship.. if you don't open up what's doubting inside you then I assure you you're never going to have a successful relationship. Love alone cannot survive. Communication is the key.!

  73. I watched this and it explained so much about me. I'm usually an indecisive person am always confused about what I want and never learned to say "no". And this translated into my relationship. Don't get me wrong. He was great and patient. But he grew weary of my emotional roller coaster and his patience disappeared. And although I knew I loved him and would always love him I also knew I was no longer in love and just waiting for him to do something wrong so that I could be independent and become an adult without leaning on someone so much.
    Took me three months after watching this but then I just did it. I broke up with him.
    The funny thing is I still hope that we'll meet again. But not now. Now was the wrong time. I just need to get my life together first.

  74. Thank you. Please give me courage. The suffering is unbearable.

  75. This hits very close to home…

  76. It would be great if the government didn`t take away your house, children and make you pay your whole life for leaving.

  77. If I came under the impression that My partner felt like he was trapped in our relationship I would literally end it, If you love someone, let them go…

  78. What about children? You haven’t addressed this at all

  79. It's ok to be self centered & selfish seems to be the point of this video. I subscribed to your channel a couple weeks ago mistakingly thinking you had something to offer but it turns out you are just an immature fellow with an agenda, seemingly informed by the West's new age intelligentsia.

  80. So many crucial point addressed 🥺 it feels like this video was made just for me,

  81. How did I managed to land on this, Ohhhh bc I am STUCK in mine

  82. Wow. Most amazing thing I’ve heard.

  83. Valentine’s Day anyone ?

  84. I felt like someone just read into my soul to make this video.

  85. No one is going to congratulate you for throwing away our lives! Wow

  86. Why is this set from a female perspective? Why are the men always the bad guy?

  87. Felt so much about this I fell asleep in tears after watching💔
    no matter how you used to love a person or how he/she loves you now, it is okay to realise that this is unhealthy.
    Maybe it’s just time to face yourself.
    Whether or not did I actually gain the courage to get out of my relationship, this is still a good video that not everybody could relate to.

  88. You'll find yourself in the same situation because the problem isnt your partner, it's you.

  89. I never had a bad childhood, but i got stuck a marriage that i am not happy about it because I have kids and i can't walk away because of financially instability so it's not that someone who had bad childhood only stays but people stay bad relationships for many reasons, financially is one of it if it's not the most

  90. Yep. It's always a bad childhood. Hell no

  91. I don‘t think I'm stuck until I saw this video and it tells what is exactly happening to me

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