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Weekend Update: Cathy Anne on Trump’s Border Wall – SNL


>>WELL, THE GOVERNMENT IS BACK
UP AND RUNNING. TRUMP HAS AGREED TO A SHORT TERM
DEAL TO END THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN WITH NO WALL FUNDING.
HERE TO ELABORATE, IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, AND THE LADY WHO’S
ALWAYS SCREAMING OUTSIDE OF MY WINDOW.
KATHY ANNE.>>IF IT AIN’T THE ONE THAT GOT
AWAY? YOU KNOW WHAT BLOWS MY MIND THE
MOST, I CAN’T BELIEVE ALL OF THIS IS OVER A DAMN WALL.
TRUMP WANTS THAT WALL SO BAD, YOU’D THINK THAT THING WAS MADE
OF CRACK OPINION.>>HE SAYS HE WANTS IT FOR
BORDER SECURITY.>>THIS IS BASICALLY A WALL,
RIGHT? LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THEY WANT $5 BILLION FOR THIS. HEY!
ALL RIGHT, NOW I DID THAT WITH TWO RIBS MISSING.
>>HAVE YOU TWO RIBS MISSING?>>YEAH, I HAD THEM TAKEN OUT
BECAUSE OF THAT MARILYN MANSON THING.
APPARENTLY, IT’S TWO RIBS IF YOU’RE A GIRL.
SPOILER ALERT, IT DON’T WORK. YOU CAN’T REACH.
>>WHY, KATHY ANNE? WHY?
>>YOU KNOW THE ONLY THING A WALL CAN STOP, MICHAEL CHE?
A PENGUIN. RIGHT?
THEY GOT THOSE LITTLE WINGS AND FAT BODIES AND FLIPPER FEET.
THEY CAN’T FLY, THEY CAN’T DIG. THEY AIN’T GETTING PAST THE
WALL. YOU KNOW, THEY JUST KEEP BUMPING
INTO IT LIKE A ROOMBA.>>YOU HAVE A THING AGAINST
PENGUINS?>>YES, I DO.
>>YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THIS MAN HELD PEOPLE’S PAYCHECKS HOSTAGE FOR 35 DAYS FOR THAT
WALL. AND THEN HE CAVED.
AND HE’S PRETENDING LIKE HE WON. YOU DIDN’T WIN.
JUST LIKE WHEN I HELD THE BATHROOM HOSTAGE AT ARBY’S FOR
TWO DAYS. I DIDN’T LEAVE BECAUSE I WON.
OKAY? I LEFT BECAUSE THEY THREW A
SMOKE BOMB THROUGH THE WINDOW AND MY JEANS CAUGHT FIRE.
HE NEVER GOT HIS WALL, AND I NEVER GOT TO HEAR VING RHAMES
SAY, WE HAVE YOUR MEAT, KATHY ANNE.
>>THAT’S ALL YOU WANT?>>STAY FOCUSED.
WE HAVE TO HAVE PRIORITIES HERE. MEXICO AIN’T THE MAIN REASON FOR
DOPIODS. WE GOT THEM THROUGH DOCTORS AND
PHARMACEUTICALS AND STUFFED UP PEOPLE’S BUTTS AT AIRPORTS.
NOW, WHO’S GOING TO CHECK THEM BUTTS WHEN THE TSA IS CALLING IN
SICK BECAUSE YOU AIN’T PAYING THEM FOR FIVE WEEKS.
NOW, HOW ABOUT FOOD DETECTORS?>>YOU MEAN, THE FDA?
>>YES. OKAY, AND MAY I REMIND YOU, THIS
IS AFTER EVERYBODY IN THE COUNTRY GOT THE RUNS FROM EATING
FREAKIN’ SALAD. TWICE.
I THOUGHT I HAD IT, RIGHT? BUT THEN I REMEMBERED, I DON’T
EAT SALAD. THAT’S JUST MY ORGANS.
AND THEN, TO TOP ALL THAT OFF, YOU HAVE TO MESS WITH OUR
MILITARY, BY BANNING PEOPLE FROM SERVING, JUST BECAUSE YOU
DECIDED THEY AIN’T GOT THE RIGHT PRIVATE PARTS?
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, NOBODY’S EVER BEEN THRILLED WITH
MY PRIVATE PARTS. THAT’S NEVER STOPPED ME FROM
FIGHTING. YOU WANT TO SEE?
>>HELL, NO.>>THE POINT IS, HE IS AN ADDICT
WHEN IT COMES TO THAT WALL. AND I WOULD KNOW, BECAUSE —
I — AND IF HIS ADDICTION IS ANYTHING LIKE MINE, IT’S FAR
FROM OVER. HE’S GOING TO LIE TO YOU, STEAL
FROM YOUR PURSE, AND END UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF A LOT OF GLORY
HOLES UNTIL HE GETS HIS WALL. TAKE IT FROM ME, KATHERINE
ANNETTE VANDERBILT.>>KATHY ANNE, EVERYBODY

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