-Here at “Late Night,” every night,
I deliver a monologue compromised of jokes written
by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk that, due to my being
a straight white male, would be difficult
for me to deliver, but we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them. So we’d like to share them
with you now in a segment called
“Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” ♪♪ These are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny. -I’m black.
-And I’m gay. -And we’re both women.
-And I’m not. So here’s how this works. I’ll read the setups
for these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. Here it goes. The Detroit metro area will
hold a new event next month called Black Restaurant Week. -A black restaurant
is like a white restaurant except it’s a Popeyes. [ Laughter ] -According to a recent article,
lesbian couples are two and a half times
more likely to get divorced than gay male couples. -Because it’s easier to move out
when you already have a truck. [ Laughter ] -After failing an inspection, a British hospital
is currently on black alert. -Also on black alert, J.C. Penney any time I’m there. -Do you really get followed
around when you shop? -I get followed around
everywhere. I’m being followed right now. [ Cheers and applause ] -Fun! The late astronaut Sally Ride
recently became the first lesbian to be made
into a LEGO figure. -While the rest of lesbians will have to settle
forhavinga LEGO figure. -[ Laughs ] -[ Laughs ] -I didn’t know Sally Ride
was a lesbian. -Oh, please, Seth.
She was an astronaut. Only a lesbian
would work that hard to get a job
where you wear coveralls. -Okay. A black firefighter
was recently awarded $350,000 in a discrimination suit. -Discrimination suit. Or, as black people call it,
a hoodie. -Amber! -Do not wear a discrimination
suit to J.C. Penney. -Okay. Beijing was recently named the world’s
least gay-friendly place. -While the world’s
least lesbian-friendly place is Sephora. [ Laughter ] -AChicago Tribunereport found that black residents
pay the most for water. -Well, yeah, ’cause you
have to pay for the waterandthe Kool-Aid packet. -[ Laughs ] -The Disney Channel announced
that it will soon feature its first-ever gay story line. -While their first
lesbian story line was someone owning 101 dogs. -Hm. Hey, Jenny, whydolesbians
own so many dogs? -You need someone
to watch your cats. -Okay. Wait. All right. Hold on. This next joke
seems really specific. I don’t know if it applies
to either of you. -Oh, that’s okay.
We brought a friend to help us. Come on out! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause
continue ] [ Cheers and applause
continue ] -That is, uh, definitely the exact same amount of
applause that you got, Amber. -Oh, cool! -Thank you so much
for being here. -Well, thanks for having me.
-All right. Let’s do this. According to a recent article,
chardonnay is making a comeback. -And they said I wouldn’t
be able to create jobs. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -That was great.
Here’s another one. The retractable roof
on Atlanta’s NFL stadium is not working properly. -Oh, well, at least
thatceiling’s broken. -All right.
Want to try one more? -Sure.
-All right. According to a recent report, koalas may be extinct
by the year 2040. -And according to Fox News,
that’s my fault. -Very. [ Laughs ]
Very well done. Very well done.
-Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] -So — So… Seth, why don’t you tell one?
-Oh, I couldn’t! -Oh, come on! -Oh, I don’t feel like
it’ll end well. -Just one!
You got to do it! -Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
-Okay.-Playbillmagazine reported that a new lesbian musical
is coming to Broadway. It’s called “Clunky Boots.” -How dare you!
-You told me it would be okay! -[ Laughs ] You know, really, Seth,
that was pretty terrible. -Shame on you, Seth!
-No! No! Black women and lesbians and
popular-vote winners are liars! ♪♪ We’ll be right back with Hillary Rodham Clinton,